�天夜里看电视里周�昌谈张爱玲的《红楼梦魇》，�然生出罪�感�，觉得好久�读书了，想读的书疲惫的脑��承载�了（�什么“五四��动，弄得现在语言和文字的分离，使得我读�文很困难，讨厌）。我觉得这�罪�感是好的，��生怕这�罪�感就这么罪�下去或者被忘�了。昨儿和��说起，我们都用的一个�就是“堕��。

我现在忙得有些厌�自己，很担心这�生活会就这么下去，虽然知�这�担心是多余的，但一�担心过去了，新的�生出�，想起《世界尽头和冷酷仙境的结尾》，我有看�影�漂走时的茫然，�没有主人公的那�决然。

今天办公室很安�，�是“境由心造�，想�想去，觉得自己怎么都是堕�了，想�想去，觉得需�深呼�。

P.S. Winter is coming, I don't like cold weather,especially when i get up in the morning. Sometimes I wanna give up this website --- maybe it's just complaint, I wanna give up many things when I'm tired,but it shouldn't be called "放下"，I'm not that good enough

Filed under: Marginalia of Days, Holiday of Thoughts
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I began to read Confucian Analects recently (again…start again…) and found a word (慎终追远)in a different explanation. It used to be annotated as “Let there be careful attention to performing the funeral rites for parents, and let them be followed when long gone with the ceremonies of sacrifice�. But in this edition, there is made a another note by my favorite scholar, it explains it in a different way but similar to the Latin saying POST HOC, ERGO PROTER HOC, which means AFTER IT, THEREFORE BECAUSE OF IT.

Yes, this is something about reasons and results. Smart people should pay more attention to reasons than results, that’s why I’m going to talk about the reasons to quit my job (actually, just because I don’t like it and I won’t make any real explanation, but I would like to pretend to be grown up in front of people).

1. 工欲善其事，必先利其器---This is an old, well-known phrase in China，which means a workman must first sharpen his tools if he is to do his work well. So, please check out the computers, printers, fax machine and copy machine in my office, none of them work well. My boss even thinks he writes faster than typing. I don’t think the start of making money is to save money. If Chinese people have only rice for dinner, China will be poor to death eventually. I have to go to another branch to check the digital pictures with a better computer and so I’m described as an “orphan�, because I have to search for a computer whose owner isn’t in the office. By the way, my boss knows about my complaint, but he thinks Chinese long march wouldn't have been successful if the soldiers were like me.

2. My boss’s philosophy--- “You’re a capable guy if you can make a good deal without costing money�(he is a dreamer); �All of you should be experts even if you just got here this morning �(dreaming again); �Don’t be too international" (when our clients are from abroad) “Cheat their money first" (yes, but then…?) … At first, I really couldn’t get what he’s talking about and I thought that must because I had no experience. Now I find no one understands him, so our reaction is only “Yes, sir�. He always shouts at people “There’s water in your brain?!�, but he hasn’t known he’s had a swimming pool in his brain for a long time.

3. Emotional reason: Sometimes the start of liking someone is his lovely expression. On the contrary, sometime you hate someone just because of his ugly expression. The start of making up my mind to quit my job is the boss’s expression, just like he hated me so much, just like he denied all the hard work I’ve done, it’s unendurable. Once I shouted at him, �Do you think you’re looking like a boss now?!� .I lost my temper but so far I haven't regretted it. I just respect those who deserve it, I don’t care if he’s a boss or old or something, that’s why my mum thinks I’m not mature, she thought I shouldn’t make the boss lose his face.

4. I have no political brain:For example, I got a call from a Taiwanese client days ago--"Hi,I'm in Beijing now"---"Really?WELCOME TO OUR COUNTRY!"...Luckily,there's nobody else in my office at that time,this is socalled "principle mistake".

As for the office politics, it’s not a big deal. Sometimes I joined it for fun, but most of the time I’m trying to escape from it, it’s not easy though.

Filed under: Bunch of Contradictions
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I’ve realized it’s a tear-gas movie when I saw that lovely picture on the dvd’s cover. Ok, I never mind crying for any touching films if it’s able to get my tears (I like tears, as a shower to clean up many unpleasant stuff).

This is a film about a guide dog named Quill. I didn’t know he’s already famous for a popular book in Asia, which records his whole life in photographs, until I was downloading the movie still. Good book, because it presents a true story in its own way. Good film, because this true story is told in more vivid details. Good Quill, because of … his eyes? his empathy? his purity?(he is a little like my “black�, smart, quiet and be himself/herself), Or just because he can do something difficult, such as touch your fragile nerve, that’s why I didn’t wear contact lens because of swollen eyes after watching Quill’s story.

“Little Q, thank you, you don’t have to work that hard anymore.� “Quill, you can have rest now.� “Quill, when you’re in heaven, don’t forget to tell others that you’re our Quill� Quill looked at them one by one, then left the world quietly, with his different facial expression as if asking people “what are you doing�as usual … A text message from my sister interrupted me when I was watching this film, so I told her I was crying for Quill. She asked me who is Quill,�--Dog�, “-- Yes, I think so, you seldom cry for one who has two legs.�

I enjoy watching dogs in the streets, and they always attract me more than people do. I like absorbed look on their faces and their expressive arses (Hands are called “second face of human� in painting, but as for the dogs, of course arse is the second face). “Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. “To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring--it was peace.� Yes, peace, that’s what I wanna say (no wonder Milan Kundera is a writer but I’m not).

By the way, the dog who acted as Quill is Raphael, his parents are all guide dogs, but he’s not because he’s so lively(the last picture is him).

Filed under: Sense of Seeing
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I decide to put these pictures I took today as soon as possible, or I’m not sure I would like to do it tomorrow, people said this is“Every day is different.�

Many events were made today in Beijing for Sino-French Culture Year, including the opening of Daniel Buren’s exhibition in the Temple of Heaven (one of my favorite architectural design here). I was tired at that time, so what I wanted to do is eating something then go home, maybe will take one day to the Temple of Heaven again, for the trees there, that’s one of the reasons which there has different air.

Enjoy the pictures, wish you would like it.

By the way, there’s 20-mins show in the opening ceremony, I’m curious why they like to show girl's legs under the mandarin gown (not beautiful legs), just as the Zhang Yimou's 8-mins show in Olympic closing ceremony, I think it’s not a good change.What they wore was a kind of high-heeled shoes in Qing Dynasty.

Do you notice the red color is interesting in that photo ? I also put one picture I took on my way home , because the green (red’s partner) is interesting too, that’s the common color on Beijing’s bus.

Filed under: Marginalia of Days
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Too busy to write anything good tonight, working on silly magazine illustrations - boring, and I hate working with Photoshop, but at least I will get paid for it - like Chow Mo Wan, writing pornography and forgetting 2046 . . .some pornography are not bad though...

Filed under: Marginalia of Days, Sense of Seeing
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“Don’t worry, my new work will be out as soon as possible� . . .That’s what the actors and singers usually say, and everytime I hear it I think ‘You’d think someone was actually waiting...’

But I’ve actually been waiting for Wong Kar Wai, especially after I saw Days of Being Wild. His films and Murakami Haruki's books, which I also like, are very similar – similar characters and story. However, Wong’s work are more about the glory amidst decadence, and never-ending struggle. The ambience is like someone’s character, the most direct, uncoverable and unavoidable. I really like the atmosphere of Wong Kar Wai and Murakami Haruki’s work, it’s like Murakami Haruki is Wong’s older brother, and I prefer the elder for his depiction of restrained grief, which Wong can’t quite manage, though the depth of his colour and feeling awakens us.

Now for 2046 – just a few details, as poor Wong has been discussed to death already and and I can't be bothered adding anything. I like Lulu best, with her wig and because of her innocence in Days of Being Wild; and I never used to like Zhang Ziyi (here she always gets attacked, and I want to be contrary and defend her, though I can’t), but here she really is pitiful, especially when she just asks the man for 10Y, and each time puts it carefully away in a box, how can you not feel that bitter-sweetness? Faye Wong is as pure as ever, though I don’t like the robot bits, I thought it was a bit too much.

The music’s great, both vague and confused, and I like both.

Filed under: Sense of Seeing
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After yesterday's surprise attack by gale-force winds (listening to the wind and rain from the depths of my quilt is really enjoyable), Beijing finally calmed down again today. Autumn is sometimes called 'Golden Autumn', and this gold really did glitter - I even had to keep adding my eye drops. That, of course, is why the light and shade in today's photographs isn't so clear.

I went to Beijing's most famous private gallery today. I didn't have high expectations, so I could avoid disappointment. My normal reaction to galleries and museums is to yawn, which does make me feel a little (not much) ashamed, but I think today changed that. The gallery is in the corner tower of the old city walls, and it's hard to feel sleepy when you are on the defensive.

The only time I haven't yawned in a gallery was when I saw Tatsuo Takayama's exhibition, something sad and pitiful in his paintings really moved me and made me ashamed of my own so-called 'suffering'. I believed most people, including myself, are only playing at art if you can't bear loneliness, be it big or small, in this world or further. Maybe I don't have the intelligence or breadth of mind to bear it, but it's a comfort to know there still are people who can bear it for us.

P.S. The third pic is painted by Tatsuo Takayama

Today also taught me you should never trust anyone completely, my mother told me again and again how warm it was outside, and I believed her again and again, and so I froze almost to death, again and again( My friend asked me why I was walking so fast - it was because if I didn't walk fast, I'd just get colder).

Filed under: Sense of Seeing
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