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Thank you, although your name is uncommon.

This is the first draft- you're the only one who knows what I'm going to paint, so what this will be. My job is to paint, you job is to guess. My job is to surprise you, your job is say "wow".

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I hereby appoint myself Offical Hater of the 2008 Olympic Torch design. I've always been obsessed with traditional Chinese decorative patterns, which I've worked on in the past (and will do in the future, honest). I feel like I've been planning a heist for years, and now I find someone else has stolen the jewels which few care about it before. Scum. Subhuman scum.

Well, It's normal, it happens...

I think I'll just sulk.Arse.

Cloud of Promise, huh?!It's everywhere!- Pictures: pigment painting with foil/sketch of relief bronze/torch

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I drew this back in the Jurassic Period, so I forget whether I was inspired by Rilke's poem first or put it in the middle to fill that space:

At bottom the ancient, gnarled,
    root of all things
upraised, hidden springs,
    that are not revealed.

Hunt-horn and battle helm,
    elder's disputes,
angry men, overwhelmed,
    women like lutes ...

Crowded twigs on a tree,
    not one of them free ...
One! oh climb higher ... oh higher ...

Most still break. But instead,
    this first one, overhead,
bends itself into a lyre.

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I hate flowers. I paint them because they're cheaper than models and they don't move. - Georgia O'Keeffe

I found this line searching Flickr for "flower", and it made me laugh. I still love O'Keeffe, although we spent more time figuring out if she was a lesbian and if her lover might have been her husband in a former life. I never thought her flowers just implied sex - she shouldn't be underestimated like that.

A couple of friends think some of my work is similar to O'Keeffe's style. I guess they mean the curved lines and intensity like this one comparing to this . I wasn't familiar with O'Keeffee's work when I drew it - I just drew the only way I knew how. This kind of blindness is very interesting.

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(Nagging works. Luckily, I have a warehouse full of old pieces. Snowball used to dream about being Picasso's mistress (and mistress of the Italian director Pier Paolo Pasolini if he was not gay), the way I used to dream about being Cezanne's wife (and wife of the Russian director Andrei Tarkovsky), so it's easy to tell who loves art more - me me meï¼?)

å?³ä½¿å¡žå°šæ›¾æ?¶æ?„高更“他拿我一点å°?å°?å?‘现到处去宣扬â€?，甚至讽刺梵高的作å“?ä¸?过是疯å­?画的，两ä½?大师也å?ªå¾—噤声，说这è¯?的是大师中的大师，奈何ä¸?得，至少没有几个人能在寂寂无å??æ—¶ä»?充满这样的果决：“åƒ?我这样的画家，æ¯?隔一个世纪æ‰?会出现一人â€?，åƒ?个诺言，说到å?šåˆ°ã€‚

我是在大学的一次户外写生å?Žå?‘现塞尚的，这之å‰?他于我ä¸?过是一群“大师â€?中的一ä½?，哪怕背负ç?€â€œçŽ°ä»£ç»˜ç”»ä¹‹çˆ¶â€?之å??；直到我也从自然界走进走出，é‡?新翻看列ä½?的画作时，塞尚便以其并ä¸?夺目的相貌ä¸?知怎么回事地走进你的视线，æ?¥äº†å°±ä¸?走了。 喜欢他的风景，画了两百é??的景致；他的夫人，似乎被丈夫折腾得已没了脾气的女人；也喜欢那å?ªæœ‰å¯¥å¯¥æ•°ç¬”还留有大多空白的作å“?，毕加索å?£ä¸­çš„“å?ªæœ‰ä¸€ç¬”，便全都有了â€?，觉得他的画“沉â€?，“拙â€?，存心有æ„?æ— æ„?之妙，笔触也是生活的颤音，我ä¸?知如何表述，å?´å?ˆä¸?å¾—ä¸?说，无法将心曲简å?•åœ°æ?Ÿä¹‹é«˜é˜?，因为哪里都找ä¸?到替代。

塞尚�个�士，尽管也有几分�阮�，��过是�一�入世，但他确是在远离�当时的中�力�们而无视于惠而�实的掌声，�求闻达地在创作中孜孜以求，�磨�属于他视线里的文章，探索真实，颇有冷眼觑破世情的味�，��有很多画家也因他，便有了“但窥��，转眼�境皆空�。

我但愿能因自己的喜爱的是塞尚使得自己在画艺上å?¯æ??高的一筹å?Šç­¹ï¼Œæˆ‘努力ç?€ï¼Œä½†è¿™ä¼¼ä¹Žå?¯é?‡ä¸?å?¯æ±‚，å?¯æ±‚çš„å?´æ˜¯ä¸€ä»½æ€?度，晋代文人陆机在“文赋â€?中说：“课虚无以责有，å?©å¯‚寞而求音â€?，塞尚是这样的，所以有了他的ä¸?朽，我虽ä¸?想ä¸?朽，但也想这样，这令人è¸?实。

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Well, time for a lesson on Chinese idioms now — 眼高手低 - high eyes, low hands. I just checked the dictionary, which defines it as “to have high standards but little ability; be fastidious but incompetent�. Ha, what a mean definition, I can barely bring myself to use it to describe myself.

I won’t face that but it’s damned true, just like one of my teachers said. He suggested I should be an art critic rather than a painter, since my eyes were high and meanwhile my hands were pretty low, the distance between them is more far than other people. On the bright side maybe he meant I could tell what a good painting is and what is a combination of canvas and color, but on the other hand . . .

I’ve been working on a batch of paintings recently, and I know what I want, I know the final visual effect that I think is not bad (I am modest), but I always screw them up, regular as clockwork. I did a great job yesterday, then today I destroyed what I made then, then I fixed it, then it got worse until I gave up to sit here and write this useless so-called reflection. I am so useless; the issue is I don’t know how to make what I want happen! What a serious problem. Another issue is I can’t quit, there’s not much fun in the painting process but once you finish one piece you really like, you will be on the top of the world—not many things can make me feel this way.

Ok, stop whining. I have no choice, I have to go back to think over what I can do on the canvas, before that…I was so angry just now, being angry makes me hungry, mad world.

Update: Just tore the paper into pieces and going to start over.

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You know, I have to show something in the painting, although nowadays I'm not sure what the definition of painting is when things are blurry more and more and called it as “complication. Since the color of the one I am working on is just B&W, then I chose the texture as the main part (SURELY besides some basic elements, like composition, space etc) which is one of the language of painting, which is not fresh anymore but still many people's favorite, which I was against and thought it’s just small trick.

Currently I haven't found anything strong to contradict what I said. I will work on looking for a sound theoretical base to support me later, it’s not about confidence, it’s just a game – I like to watch people to argue, it’s inside this time though.

But I have been tortured by making texture!!! Like Pollock denied the “accident�, yes, for showing something looks accidental and natural, I have to do something very anti-nature.

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多余的胶矾水�想浪费，就把“文�公主��出���刷锅水。她总是�我的刷锅水，�两天��旧的基底，底色��得扔就索性也把“文�公主��出�清碗。“文�公主�是我的第一张工笔作业，为这张作业我旷课起�一周，撕掉了无数的熟宣，并将其�得五花八门，甩得四分五裂，那份豪迈狂野�气�山河。所幸这张作业完�的还好，最好的地方其实这两天被我�了，就是在纸背�刷底色的时候，没想到纸已��矾了，脖颈�裙�部分，那完美的罩色，就这样破掉了— 真是“�旧�了。

过去有人问我为什么�喜欢用“快感�这个�儿�没什么，��我爱。现在画画儿就没太多快感，以���实实临摹传统的时候倒是心惊肉跳，快感逼人呢。这几天总�磨��花点�画儿，起�技术上的，现在很多人�讲“创��，作��符�，我还是�旧迷�技术的美感。

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Right now, I’m dreaming about making something to surprise myself.

I bought lots of Chinese papers last week, which generally most of them are pretty thin, so I need to put two or three pieces into one – it’s called tuo in Chinese. I enjoy working on that, although it costs much time and patience. Looking back, I’ve made 15 pieces of papers, each piece is 50cm*50cm.

Next, I had to process those raw papers with a kind of liquid, which mixed with the proper amount of water, alum and gelatin. Then, at last, I put them on the board while they were still wet. Done, except five of them need to be put the white shell powder as a base.

I might use 7 or 8 different kinds of papers. Some are rough, and some are smooth. Touching them, lightly, they’re just like sleeping children, lying there quietly. I don’t know if I should be careful, and more careful - I won’t come to feel like walking on the thin rice. But, I’m really afraid that one mistake will wake them up from their sweet sleep. I hope what I will do will only be the beautiful scenes in their dreams.

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…but I like to blur the boundaries between different periods of art. I'm trying to get back to artistic basics…

That’s something I wrote in the afternoon, partly true, partly it implied I’m bad at art history and I’m always on the starting line.

I was cleaning my room the other day and found a study I did of a root. I have no idea why I was so interested in drawing roots, and my friends were surprised why I spent so much time doing a study. Well, that’s my habit, I don’t enjoy most of Insho Domoto’s works, but he had the same habit, so I like him.

Sometimes I think my works are great, and sometimes I have to admit they’re just crap. but for those two, to be honest, to be objective, they’re simply good.

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— Chinese animation looks terrible!

— Does it? Well, it might be a good excuse to me for not liking animation films.

To be fair, there were some good Chinese animations produced years ago, such as Uproar in Heaven, Nezha Conquers the Dragon King, Three Monks, etc. But still, I don’t like animation film and cartoon. When I was a kid, one of the most annoying things was to watch an animation on June 1 each year, meanwhile I was keen it would come to an end sooner as I was to ring for class-over; I couldn’t figure out how good was Spirited Away or how touching was Grave of the Fireflies which was popular in China, as well as the only thing impressed me in Ghibli Museum was the hotdog tasted not bad; If people highly recommended some cartoons to me, usually my unspoken words would be “pay me, I might watch it.�

I was thinking over if I lost child’s heart since I had memory. I don’t remember I had a big pretty doll to hold or ever asked for it. I do remember how much I hated Princess Snow White, who was much less beautiful than Odile in Swan Lake. While I was skipping over a chain of rubber bands between two trees, watching the Sunday’s sunset, imagining I was that model in Toshiba commercials, cursing school day’s coming, alone, my friends were watching stupid Mickey & Donald which was regularly shown on weekend, laughing… I guess most people enjoy cartoons, or at least in some certain period, but definitely not me. The thing is I never mean to be a different person; on the contrary, I was ashamed to say stuff like “I don’t enjoy cartoon� directly, which took those cartoon-lovers off guard. Instead of that, I extremely convince them how much I love “Lion King� that made me cry from start to the end, and how cute is Chibi Maruko who reminds me of long time ago I used to be that cute—That’s true, also, that’s all.

I blame myself more than once for losing innocence in such a young age, until someday I found the judgment for myself didn’t make any sense. Why do I have to like cartoon, which is something totally isolate to me, my system doesn’t have that function to be close to it, isn’t that allowed? Afterwards, I drew a new conclusion—I just can’t accept cartoon as an art form, it looks fake to me. Since then, easily I stay away from all the cartoon or animation films, with that short answer, without anyone’s surprising look.

So…for the reason above sounds like strong, I didn’t notice that little girl’s existence at all in the first place. One day when I realized she lingered over my mind somehow, she’s already gone from my sight.

(to be continued...)

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���，读�说。想起�枚所说:“选诗如选色,总觉动心难�。一语中的，自�弗如。

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René Magritte painted a picture of a pipe with the caption: "Ceci n'est pas une pipe (This is not a pipe)."

Compared to the real life, Zhang Ailing thought photos were just like the scattered shells from watermelon seeds all over the floor.

Screw them. I look so nice in this photo that was taken last night.

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Just got an email from a friend who works in a gallery. It’s an invitation to a new exhibition on Mao Zedong in pop art. I’d thought Mao was an outdated subject for contemporary art, seems not though. Things about him might be a classic topic already or simply for commercial benefits. To be honest, I don’t like this painting much. I can’t tell how interesting it is.

Look at picture, perhaps the relevant stuff behind are more interesting than painting itself. I would like to talk about it, and then realize there are only some scattered fragments in my head, so I should clear my mind first. I always think I lack logic (or it’s just about the knowledge). It’s difficult for me to make my thoughts run in a circle, especially a smooth circle free of rubbish, or pretty words who only confuse people.

Since Marilyn Monroe is in it, it's a chance to announce she is my favorite actress. When I was reading Jean Christophe, I imagined Sabine as her. Who is able to resist Monroe, no wonder Mao smiled. I asked my friend how much the painting is, he said he had no idea, but another one, which Sophia Loren is in it, has sold for 18000$. It used to say Chairman Mao lives forever in our hearts, but in today's Chinese society, apparently this man changes his mind, he prefers to stay with those charming women from all over the world.

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“When you’re having bad luck, when you’re down, don’t worry. Just take a rest for a while, and treat it as a long vacation from god.� Senna said, who wanted to be a real pianist but with no confidence, Minami listened, who was kind of old to be a model and whose fiancé had disappeared on their wedding day.

—a scene in Japanese drama Long Vacation

Snowball just sent her new work (Pic1). I really admire her(maybe even kind of jealous), especially her natural appreciation of female beauty, and the way she can express this on canvas with the oil paints she loves so much. So many people have to search for their position and purpose, but this was never a problem for her. It's a gift, and a kind of good fortune.

At this moment, I’m doing a job I don’t like, or sort of hate. I tried to find something to do with art, it was too difficult though. But I need to move on, need to look on, because summer past, long vacation is over.

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I've become hooked on an NHK special feature, Treasures of the Palace Museum (故宫�至�), which is about some truly beautiful pieces collected (or hidden) in the Forbidden City (in Beijing) and the National Palace Museum (in Taipei). With the calm narration under S.E.N.S 's appropriate background music, and especially during the close-up of exquisitely detailed craftworks, it's impossible for me to stay calm. This doesn't happen to me often, only twice as far as I can remember. Once I was moved by a few potteries of the Neolithic Age, in front of them, or in front of any work that touches me, I feel so small.

This program offers such a vivid art history (tooooo short though). The university entrance examination with Chinese characteristic seems to distort many things (Announcement: It's just complaint, not judgment.-no kidding). One of the results is that I lost interest in history, it's more like many papers full of chronological tables than what it should be, which is stories. And because of an aversion to history in the textbooks, I rarely went to craft history class (I cheated on the exam, so I was good at passing tissues at least). I don't regret it, the destination is nice, but if the road to it was totally bored and depressing, I would not get there. That's why I really appreciate that NHK made such a program, although the uploader said what a pity that was made by Japanese. The Japanese TV guys did a great job for the world, particularly for us Chinese, it's more important than so-called nationalism.

Speaking of nationalism, I can’t help thinking of “patriotism�. Cai yuanpei advocated the idea of “replacing religion with aesthetic education�. The way I see it, it would be more convincing if he said “replacing patriotism education with the aesthetic education�. I figure patriotism education exists everywhere but apparently the Chinese government is good at making it look super superficial. Why not try some effective ways rather than documents or slogans, which, the more they call us love our country, the less Chinese seem to do it. Look, Craft is just a part of art and art is just a part of aesthetics, but it’s enough for me to say something like “My ancestors made such really fantastic works, I’m so proud of being their descendant—descendants of Yan and Huang!�. I don’t mean to be the speaker of our government. Even if only for tickling my vanity, who doesn’t want to related to something excellent?

All the excellent works, so far as I saw in this feature, were made by anonymous artisans. Artisans are the people who actually change a country’s image in art, but they are usually of the low social position. Looking at the delicate pattern hammered on bronze or almost perfect shape of a jade vase, I wonder whether some people with biases dare say that way.

Palace Memories，选自“å†?è§?,故宫â€?，片中å??å¤?出现的一段旋律。出于多年å‰?对喜多郎的热爱，S.E.N.S.也就很难错过了。

我喜欢法度森严的作�，喜欢令我敬�的作�，太平盛世的东西虽旖旎�过于优美。在这个片�看到的很多艺术�唯有在暴政中产生，对于很难�产生的作�，我们也�能说“���。

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The pictures are about how the paintingï¼?Mudraâ… progressed.

Yesterday I thought I would finish it today. Yet, I now realize how stupid I was. The painting seemed doomed after the main part (mudra) appeared on it. I was trying to believe it’s not a false move (pic10) until it turned into pic11. Looking at it, obviously it’s far from being satisfactory.

I enjoyed the process of making pic1 to pic9, getting more familiar with the materials I’m using, although I still cannot get used to paying far more attention to technique than other elements, such as shapes, color, space. It’s totally different to the way I always painted before, so I wonder if I’m losing the most important things in painting gradually. This thought has occurred to me since starting to paint with mineral pigments and it still upsets me now and then.

Now get back to pic11. Whatever the color itself or its different texture, in my eyes, it is apparently not attuned to the background, is it? Plus the mudra part looks intense, which I was going to make it come out of the background naturally… I’m trapped.

I’m not able to figure out what the best way of proceeding is, do I have to destroy the pic10-11 as the only option, then I will spend more time…the problem is I’m afraid I will lose my patience with it before it’s done. Or as ever, put it aside, and then re-find it someday with outsider’s eyes.

What if I rotate it into pic12…? All the problems can be solved?

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Song Li just e-mailed me two lovely photographs she took of seed pods on a flower head. Although I have often seen similar photos I never tire of the beauty that nature presents to us through form and pattern. Not only in this flower but also in many other apparently unrelated natural plants and animals (especially many sea creatures) we can find a process that is governed by strict mathematical rules. However nature is not always one to be so formal and often superimposes a lyrical variation in her work that takes away the stiff and rigid and encourages a second look for those that wish to delve deeper.

I really enjoyed the first photo that is comprised of 16 smaller repetitions on the theme. Here I feel the softness that nature imposes as the seeds begin to fall from the flower head in a random but controlled manner, the seeds falling away from outer edge toward the center. At the same time we still can take in the swirl of the original pattern and order, which we never entirely loose as the empty seed sockets once again remind us of the shape in negative.

Artists and scientists often do not see eye to eye when looking at exactly the same thing. Too bad I think, after all there is so much to share, why bother to argue who is right and who is wrong.

Written by John

P.S. Special thanks to John who teaches me a lot, it’s always enjoyable to share with him many views of art.

By the way, John, Li Zhengdao (scientist) is my professor’s good friend, it seems so far they haven’t fight (at least not in the public:P ).Besides, an exhibition will be held in China National Museum of Fine Arts next year, the theme is Art and Science. The first exhibition with the same theme was quite a hit in China, I didn’t enjoy much though, was yawning again…

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I’ve just watched Fingersmith ,a 3-hour BBC TV drama, which brought me much more enjoyment than the other forgettable dvds I saw these days. I’m grateful that its plot didn’t follow the path I imagined and undoubtedly the casting is amazing, the three actresses in particular. I was looking forward to watching Imelda Staunton’s Vera Drake, because I’d been impressed by her expressiveness when I saw a few scenes of that film on TV, but the dvd I got had lousy Chinese subtitles. So this time it was very nice to watch her powerful performance with another two talented actresses, I was attracted by the chemistry between them.

The first scene in it reminded me of another interesting question, when London people paid for a good position for watching a hanging, I thought about Lu Xun’s famous description about Chinese peoples’ bad traits, especially when they numbly watched the prisoner’s execution. So is it only the Chinese who are so brutal?

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